Sometimes I dabble in the art known as "comic books." The main publishers, Marvel and DC, both do hypothetical stories; DC calls them "Elseworlds" because it "takes place on a parallel world (like Earth-52, for example), and Marvel calls them "What ifs?" because they look at a certain event that happened and tell a different side of it (for example, "What if Captain America won the Civil War?" when
What if: Elphaba Went Berserk?
It was a sunny day, though Elphaba wouldn't know it as she was working in the hospital's cafeteria. Her jet-black hair was covered by an elastic hair-net, artistically decorated each day by Sharpies in order to best represent Elphie's mood. Today she decided to draw a butterfly with its wings ripped off in order 
to best represent her feelings that she was trapped and there was no way of escaping her current job situation.
As the lunch crowd began rolling in, Elphie thought about how wonderful it would be to pick up a bazooka from underneath the pile of instant mashed potatoes and blow all the complainers sky-high. Maybe an uzi? Maybe a rocket launcher? No, a bazooka! Glinda came by on her break in order to chat. Nothing much had happened so far to joke about, but they enjoyed spending time together. Glinda was the Daisy to El
phie's Venus Flytrap.
But problems always come; many times arriving on an unprepared doorstepped as a small package. A dwarf came to the cafeteria that day. Elphie's original thought was that she could pick up the little one, put it in a backpack, and go about her jedi-business like Luke Skywalker. That fantasy quickly skidded to stop as the dwarf rolled up to the counter and placed his one inch fingers and Jelly Belly sized head under the sneeze guard.
"Uh, sir, even though you can fit something someplace doesn't mean you should put it there. That very same thing got Bill Clinton into trouble," said Elphie.
"Excuse me? Did you just make a derogatory, no PC comment to me? Are you height-ist?" were the words that returned from the Carp mouth.
"Uh, no, I am not 'height-ist.' I separate my colored clothes from my whites when washing, that doesn't make me racist! I was just stating that you need to remove your head hands from the sneeze guard. It's there for a reason!"
"Whatever!" said the dwarf. It was now that Elphie realized there were going to be problems. Her hairnet began to itch, a sign that trouble was near. "I would like a hamburger."
"Well, unfortunately, they are not on the menu today. There's a nice McDonald's nearby, perhaps you could get a Happy Meal! It even comes with a toy," Elphie dryly said.
"I want a burger, dammit, and you better make me one or I will speak to the manager!"
"I am the manager!"
"Well....err, someone above you then!"
"Like God?"
"No!"
"Ok, so...hmm, let me get this straight: you're going to try to complain to someone who happens to stand between me and God?"
"Yes!" said the dwarf. At this point, Elphie was groping around the mashed potatoes looking for the bazooka. Fudge! she thought, I must have left it under my pillow at home. The last time I used it was to shoot that guy with H1N1.
Mentally kicking herself and deciding that this mousy person was not worth the trouble, Elphie decided to just make the burger.
The cafeteria seemed peaceful, but sure enough, Elphie's hairnet began a-scratching! The dwarf returned and complained about asking for a raw burger and getting one that was cooked medium-well.
"I don't know what to tell you," Elphie said, her patience wearing thin, "I don't normally cater to Hannibal Lecters, and that is what you asked for."
"It is not!" screamed the pint-sized bottle of flesh and bone, "And you better get it you...you EMO!"
At this, the Elphaba, the cafeteria, indeed, the entire world stopped. Elphie was not 'emo' and she would "gut a bitch" if anyone ever called her that. The last bit of her restraint snapped. She ran back to the freezer, retrieved some meat and threw it at the dwarf, creating a nice yamaka. She then began motor-boating each of the food selections and throwing large handfuls at each of the people in line. Her face covered in a macaroni-potato-green bean concoction, and looking like a plastic surgery gone wrong, she leaped over the sneeze guard and decided to look for more havoc to cause.
You must realize, readers, that in a hospital, creating havoc is quite easy. Elphie pulled all of the fire alarms that she could find. This act caused her to be sprayed several times by a red mist. Now, on top of her inbred-looking face (caused by the food), she looked like a crazy person with blood all over her. He stole a couple prosthetic limbs and began beating people left and right. Now, Elphie had morals, in a way; she would never hit a child or someone that was terminal. Instead, she went after the people with STDs and all the people in the workplace that she despised saying, "Take a foot to the face, Gonorrhea!" or "Maybe this leg can help you with your grunting, Slingblade!"
After a few minutes of this, Security was alerted. They didn't apprehend her, however, before she was able to break into the testing center.
"Have some boils to the face," she said as she threw a beaker. "Here! Find out what some HCl feels like on the who-ha!"
Left and right she was throwing urine samples, nut-filled stool samples, kidneys, livers, severed limbs. She was like a veritable baseball throwing machine, throwing everything and anything her hands touched, until she ran out of objects. The authorities leaped on top of her like a spatula on a stack of pancakes. She was handcuffed and fired in the same instant, and led away in a black and white. On her way out, she happened to spy the dwarf, meat on his face. She smirked to herself! I believe it was a good day, today! And I didn't lose my hairnet!
Luckily, there were no casualties. Many people did receive contusions from being beaten by a prosthetic limb, but nothing serious. Elphaba did some community service for her actions and is now attending anger-management classes, and well as learning to box in order to relieve her stress.
Sleep well, my Emo Fairy, and be calm, dreaming dreams that do not make your hairnet itch! Spare those who are innocent and "double tap" those who are 'skeevy' and disrespectful.
Dodge those prosthetics to the who-ha,
~S
It was a sunny day, though Elphaba wouldn't know it as she was working in the hospital's cafeteria. Her jet-black hair was covered by an elastic hair-net, artistically decorated each day by Sharpies in order to best represent Elphie's mood. Today she decided to draw a butterfly with its wings ripped off in order 
to best represent her feelings that she was trapped and there was no way of escaping her current job situation.As the lunch crowd began rolling in, Elphie thought about how wonderful it would be to pick up a bazooka from underneath the pile of instant mashed potatoes and blow all the complainers sky-high. Maybe an uzi? Maybe a rocket launcher? No, a bazooka! Glinda came by on her break in order to chat. Nothing much had happened so far to joke about, but they enjoyed spending time together. Glinda was the Daisy to El
phie's Venus Flytrap.But problems always come; many times arriving on an unprepared doorstepped as a small package. A dwarf came to the cafeteria that day. Elphie's original thought was that she could pick up the little one, put it in a backpack, and go about her jedi-business like Luke Skywalker. That fantasy quickly skidded to stop as the dwarf rolled up to the counter and placed his one inch fingers and Jelly Belly sized head under the sneeze guard.
"Uh, sir, even though you can fit something someplace doesn't mean you should put it there. That very same thing got Bill Clinton into trouble," said Elphie.
"Excuse me? Did you just make a derogatory, no PC comment to me? Are you height-ist?" were the words that returned from the Carp mouth.
"Uh, no, I am not 'height-ist.' I separate my colored clothes from my whites when washing, that doesn't make me racist! I was just stating that you need to remove your head hands from the sneeze guard. It's there for a reason!"
"Whatever!" said the dwarf. It was now that Elphie realized there were going to be problems. Her hairnet began to itch, a sign that trouble was near. "I would like a hamburger."
"Well, unfortunately, they are not on the menu today. There's a nice McDonald's nearby, perhaps you could get a Happy Meal! It even comes with a toy," Elphie dryly said.
"I want a burger, dammit, and you better make me one or I will speak to the manager!"
"I am the manager!"
"Well....err, someone above you then!"
"Like God?"
"No!"
"Ok, so...hmm, let me get this straight: you're going to try to complain to someone who happens to stand between me and God?"
"Yes!" said the dwarf. At this point, Elphie was groping around the mashed potatoes looking for the bazooka. Fudge! she thought, I must have left it under my pillow at home. The last time I used it was to shoot that guy with H1N1.
Mentally kicking herself and deciding that this mousy person was not worth the trouble, Elphie decided to just make the burger.
The cafeteria seemed peaceful, but sure enough, Elphie's hairnet began a-scratching! The dwarf returned and complained about asking for a raw burger and getting one that was cooked medium-well.
"I don't know what to tell you," Elphie said, her patience wearing thin, "I don't normally cater to Hannibal Lecters, and that is what you asked for."
"It is not!" screamed the pint-sized bottle of flesh and bone, "And you better get it you...you EMO!"
At this, the Elphaba, the cafeteria, indeed, the entire world stopped. Elphie was not 'emo' and she would "gut a bitch" if anyone ever called her that. The last bit of her restraint snapped. She ran back to the freezer, retrieved some meat and threw it at the dwarf, creating a nice yamaka. She then began motor-boating each of the food selections and throwing large handfuls at each of the people in line. Her face covered in a macaroni-potato-green bean concoction, and looking like a plastic surgery gone wrong, she leaped over the sneeze guard and decided to look for more havoc to cause.
You must realize, readers, that in a hospital, creating havoc is quite easy. Elphie pulled all of the fire alarms that she could find. This act caused her to be sprayed several times by a red mist. Now, on top of her inbred-looking face (caused by the food), she looked like a crazy person with blood all over her. He stole a couple prosthetic limbs and began beating people left and right. Now, Elphie had morals, in a way; she would never hit a child or someone that was terminal. Instead, she went after the people with STDs and all the people in the workplace that she despised saying, "Take a foot to the face, Gonorrhea!" or "Maybe this leg can help you with your grunting, Slingblade!"
After a few minutes of this, Security was alerted. They didn't apprehend her, however, before she was able to break into the testing center.
"Have some boils to the face," she said as she threw a beaker. "Here! Find out what some HCl feels like on the who-ha!"
Left and right she was throwing urine samples, nut-filled stool samples, kidneys, livers, severed limbs. She was like a veritable baseball throwing machine, throwing everything and anything her hands touched, until she ran out of objects. The authorities leaped on top of her like a spatula on a stack of pancakes. She was handcuffed and fired in the same instant, and led away in a black and white. On her way out, she happened to spy the dwarf, meat on his face. She smirked to herself! I believe it was a good day, today! And I didn't lose my hairnet!
Luckily, there were no casualties. Many people did receive contusions from being beaten by a prosthetic limb, but nothing serious. Elphaba did some community service for her actions and is now attending anger-management classes, and well as learning to box in order to relieve her stress.
Sleep well, my Emo Fairy, and be calm, dreaming dreams that do not make your hairnet itch! Spare those who are innocent and "double tap" those who are 'skeevy' and disrespectful.
Dodge those prosthetics to the who-ha,
~S
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