Day 10: Ode to a Douche Bag

This ode is dedicated to all people with an XY chromosome pair who call other people "douches" or use it as a verb like "I was douched" and don't really understand what a douche bag is. This ode is more specifically dedicated to a guy I'd like to call Latent Homosexual, hither forth known as LH.

"Ode to a Douche Bag" (in 414 words)

O Douche Bag, how do you feel, being created for such a single horrendous purpose? Do you become frightful when heading into a dark, dank cavern? Certainly it does not compare to the Blue Grotto in Capri, Italy! There is no cerulean luminance to fit your fancy, no body of water to reflect the light from the outside and bounce it off rocks. An uncomfortable dampness attaches itself to you, Douche Bag, and you are unable to run away from it. How sad!

Does it alarm you to be confused for a catheter or a woopie-cushion? Have you lost all self-respect? Surely the fact that you come in a small assortment of colors (ROYGBV) must give you satisfaction. Be proud, also, that you have evolved from a simple squeeze bottle with a nozzle to a full-fledged bag with a tube! With your growth and adaptation comes also an increased paranoia and nervousness from the user. Oh, but that damn tube! Why, Douche Bag, can you not perform the maintenance on your own? I dare say that your ancestor helped me clean my ears and nose when I was young and sick. Sometimes I mourn the times when you were known for cleaning more crevices than just the one. However, there are people everywhere who applaud your ability at removing rank odors, and there are some of us who wish you were used more often. Indeed, if only Mrs. President could expect a visit from you soon!

Finally, Douche Bag, I am sorry for the culture these days. Douche bag has been converted to douchebag and made to imply a variety of negative qualities, specifically arrogance and as one engaging in obnoxious and/or irritating actions without malicious intent. Why just the other day I heard someone refer to the actor Shia LeBeouf as Shia LeDouche! What a transgression against your very nature! When someone gets splashed by a passing car, they exclaim that they were "douched!" I cannot comment on today's society Douche Bag, but I will treat your name with honor! The horror that your name brings to my mind will only be used on the worst of individuals! I have not met you on a personal basis, Herr Douche, nor do I want to, but keep on keeping on! You do the world a bit of good I think, especially when it comes to cleaning up our streets and keeping the world a less than smelly place.

Squeeze on Douche Bag, squeeze on!

~S