Day 23: "I'm *insert romantic sentiment here* for you."

So here I am, minding my own business, and a guy tells me he's "falling for me." Ok, so maybe it was not so out of nowhere, but honestly, it was unnecessary. Let me break it down for you:

1. I met him in January
2. I told him I was not looking for a relationship.
3. I'm pretty stand-offish to begin with, so I was not leading him on.

"What do you think?" he asks me.
"Well, my feelings for you fluctuate."
"Can you give me an example?"
"mmm, how blunt do you need me to be?"
"Very blunt!"
"Ok," I began, "sometimes you're the sweetest person in the world and other times you annoy the heck out of me."

Some people may call me picky, but to be honest, is it pickyness or am I preventing someone from being murdered? I will not date someone who is immature. I cannot handle it, I'm sorry. If I wanted to be someone's mother I would have a child. Which reminds me: Guys? Yea, um, don't ask a girl "Do you want to have kids?" when you've only known her for three months. My womb is not a topic of conversation and what you're really asking is, "Would you consider having kids with me?"

I'm sort of disgusted that the world we live in has subliminally made women date with the thought of marrying. I feel like I cannot even hang out with a guy without thinking, "Huh, could I marry this guy?" Well, I guess this thinking may have saved me in this situation.

As I close, I will leave you with this irony: Any guy that I would like to have feelings for me never does. Any guy I am completely fine with on a platonic level has to make some life-altering confession to me which changes everything. "I hope this won't change things." Um, yea, you just basically told me that you like me quite a bit and I told you I don't reciprocate...in what world will that not change things?!

*sigh*
~S

P.S. Pink elephant...must you be so close to me?

Day 22: Sex for Elephants

I live on the bottom floor of a two-story house. I live with one other girl and three guys (all of whom I do not know, except for the general, "I live with you" sort of knowing). The nice thing about my room is I don't have to share a bathroom. The bad thing about my room is I hear EVERYTHING from the ground floor including who goes in and out of the front door and my favorite, people going up and down the stairs. Each time someone uses the stairs it sounds like Hannibal invading Italy...seriously.

Anyway, last night I get to bed at 1200am after a hard night's work of editing my podcast. At 300am, people come in through the front door, go up the stairs, come down the stairs, rummage around in the kitchen, and retreat back up the stairs. This lasts for 15 mins (not that I'm keeping track). At around 330am, I hear a rhythmic squeaking of a bed above me (you see where I'm going with this?). Upon realizing what this is--I had in fact gone back to sleep--I say, "Oh, God!" and proceed to squeeze my ears. It stops. Perhaps a 30mins to 1hr later (it seemed longer because I couldn't get back to sleep) the bed starts squeaking again. I just think, "The Hell with it!" turn my radio on and get up to do stuff.

In punishment for ruining my sleep--and in turn, leaving me with 3 hours to last the rest of the day--I decided to do laundry at 6am.

Rest assured, if this happens tonight I will cut somebody because I have a job fair from 730am-500pm on Friday and I need to be 200% for that!

Sleep deprivedly yours,
~S

Day 21: Irony is my New Best Friend

Irony: (n) 1 : a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other's false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning (aka. Socratic irony)
2 a : the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning b : a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony c : an ironic expression or utterance
3a (1) : incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2) : an event or result marked by such incongruity b : incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play--the above all taken from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.

4a: Planning to spend Valentine's Day with your ex-boyfriend...classic! *chuckles*

Actually, I do not think it will be awkward at all. We're friends now so I think this will be a fun outing. It is just ironic that it happens to fall on Valentine's Day! Ah, well, at least I won't be spending it by myself drowning my sorrows in hot chocolate!

~S

Day 20: Interlude

Hello Pink Elephant! Oh, how I've missed you!

~S

Day 19: Closure

Wow, I feel like it's been months since I've written last...yep, yes it has. I feel healthier now than when I last wrote. I saw Sam on Dec. 4, 2009 and up until the point when I actually saw him, I had no idea what I was going to feel. At first it was awkward, the standard I would say. I didn't really talk to him and I tried to avoid any and all glances. At a ceremony I was sort of up near the front so it was easier to catch glances or make eye contact. I ran into him in the hallway to the bathroom and offered him my hand, stating "Congrats!" He said that he deserved a hug and so I gave it to him. We made small talk and he asked if I was going to be at the bar later that night. I said 'yes,' he said he was glad to hear it and then we went our separate ways.

I encountered him in the bar several times that night and it was easy to talk to him. What I found most distressing was the fact that I seemed to look for him and to wish that he would come talk to me. When we talked it was easier than when we had been dating; the pressure was gone, I felt less self-conscious and scared and I could even talk to his friends, which was something that I struggled with.

After that night, and for two weeks afterwards, I seemed to be in a "pining" mode and I had no idea where that came from. Other activities would clear my head but the thought of him persisted. WHAT THE FRIZZLE?! I knew that this was temporary, but I was wishing for it to pass already.

Lo and behold, one random day I was doing an outdoor activity (interspersed with random thoughts of Sam) when I ran into this other guy. I thought it was just those random and transient things, but we have since traded FB messages and have gotten to know one another. I am happy to say that since then, I have not really thought about Sam, not unless I think, "huh, I haven't thought about Sam lately" or if I get a text from Sam.

So why do I feel healthy? Well, for one thing, Sam and I are friends now. All the anger that seemed to be consuming me at the end of summer is gone. I've moved on and I'm happy, and I think that's the best thing! I'm not sure what will happen between this guy that I met and myself, but I've learned that looking ahead is stupid and that it's best to take it one day at a time.

Thanks diary, you're the one thing I can unload upon!
~S